It’s been four years now. Four years since the Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions I had mastered came to an abrupt halt. For sixteen years, the holidays were a time of baking, sharing and joy. Hiding presents until the kids fell asleep. Putting them out in the middle of the night. Making printables of footsteps leading from their rooms to the tree, knowing how excited they would be on Christmas morning.
No matter how old they got, the traditions of magically filled stockings on Christmas morning was anticipated in our home. It was then time for our usual homemade Christmas morning brunch and the day was on. Visiting family, relaxing or just playing with all of the new things that had been received.
When something like that ceases to exist in your life, overnight, it can be a bit jarring…or rather should I say, debilitating. I am reminded of the tragic story of Madonna Badger who lost all three of her daughters and her parents in a Christmas day fire. To have your entire family wiped out overnight, who could bear the pain of such loss and grief? She has been very open about her suicidal thoughts and time spent in psych wards on heavy sedatives.
Though fortunately, neither I, nor my loved ones, lost their lives, my family was literally ripped out of my life, virtually overnight. I found myself ill-prepared for what happened. From where I stood at the time, they didn’t want anything to do with me.
I swirled downward from there, disassociated with all of my friends (I didn’t want them to see me that way) and began to question my value and worth. Eventually, I did find myself at the brink of suicide. There were times I considered flinging myself off a cliff onto the Barton Creek Greenbelt. One of the only things that kept me from doing it was thinking about the mess someone else would have to clean up after me.
I found out later how I had been positioned. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any control in that situation and it obviously spiraled into a very dark place. I do know that divorce is hard, but I suspect in my case, it was especially brutal.
As a strong woman who had always offered support and guidance to others, it was foreign to find myself with such great need. I felt weak and defeated. I thought if I retreated, things would settle down and the relationships with my stepchildren and son would re-stabilize. I was no saint during that season of torment. I coped the best way I knew how at the time.
There was a whole lot of judging going and I still hear whispers about all the mistakes I made. I do know that I did my best to protect people, not call them out and to not make others look bad in spite of what was happening. Unfortunately, I wasn’t afforded the same luxury.
In traditional Chinese medicine, it is said that grief is associated with the lung system. Based on that theory, it was no surprise that I soon found myself with a case of pneumonia. A bad one. I had become septic, was hospitalized twice and almost died because of it. I found myself so broken that I had no choice to accept help. Fortunately my mom was there to help me pick up the pieces.
During that year of recovery, I began to gain my strength, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. All of the self-mastery work that I spent years incorporating into my life came back in a flood and even stronger than before. I realized that if all I had been through didn’t take me out, there wasn’t much ahead of me that would either.
Beautiful Energy School was birthed out of great revelation years ago. It’s been my calling for as long as I can remember. It was not an easy road, but it was one that I honor and cherish with every fiber of my being.
This is what I know:
- The ego is not “bad”
- The idea of staying “positive” isn’t always the healthiest road to success
- To discover who we really are, we must explore our shadow. It exists to teach us.
- Mastery of self is the greatest goal you could ever work to achieve
- The greatest virtue is to extend love, grace and compassion in all things
Beautiful Energy School exists to spread more compassion and less judgement in the world. We are concerned only with the here and now. The present is a gift (that’s why it is called “the present” *smile*).
The greatest gift you can give yourself and others is the gift of compassion. Imagine living a more compassionate life, being able to quell negative self-talk and having the ability to refrain from lashing out to others in anger. It really does make your corner of the universe a safe place for your family, your friends, your co-workers and everyone you encounter.
In the chaos that defines our current reality, what better way to live than to be safe space?
Our children will grow up healthier and more compassionate. Our relationships can be nourished. We can pursue work that feeds our soul. We can begin to do the things that we’ve always wanted to do because we trust ourselves.
Will you join us in making the world a more compassionate place?
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